You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Drunk is a universal language darling
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
