You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
