My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
