i barfeds in our rink
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
