god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.