i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
