does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I supernannyed him into submission
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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