Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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