Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize