he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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