What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
