If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
