Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
