Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
