I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
