I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
