I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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