No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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