Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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