what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
