I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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