don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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