Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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