I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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