What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
