We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
