Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
