i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
