On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
