Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
