please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
