at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
