Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
