just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
