I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
