did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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