She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
