Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
