You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
