I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
