I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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