the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
