I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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