Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We are all done wearing pants today
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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