I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
