if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
