dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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