Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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