Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Randomize
