I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
