the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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