I'm going to jail i love you
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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