he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
