i need an iv and a liver transplant
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
God, I missed his penis.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
