my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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