I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
