Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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