oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I know her cup size but not her name....
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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